I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize