My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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