I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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