you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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