Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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