I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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