Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
