yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
