Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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