how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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