It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
