Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
