I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
