i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
