Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
