I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
