Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
