hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
