She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
