I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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