chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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