It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
