You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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