Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
