yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
