We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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