When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
