Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
But we have bathrooms and they dont
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
