New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
