I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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