I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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