Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
