I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I believe in your delicious
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
