how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
