If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
