There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
