I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
