omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
