Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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