im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
