someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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