Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
