he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
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You. Win. At. Life.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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