I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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