dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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