my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
