If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
