1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My hand turned me down
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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