Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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