I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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