I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
