boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
