someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
her vagine was all disorganized.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
