i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
