while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
