I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
