Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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