Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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