i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
