So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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