hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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