We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
