I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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